since you asked...
From your experience with married couples, what factors do you think contribute to a strong marriage?
I have been ordained a priest for twenty-eight years. I have served two and a half years as parochial vicar (which we used to call “associate pastor”) and twenty-one and a half years as a pastor. Twenty-three of my twenty-eight years I have also been involved in the Tribunal (three as an Advocate; three as Defender of the Bond and seventeen as Vicar Judicial). Tribunal is the ecclesiastical court of the Church, focusing mainly on the declaration of nullity (or invalidity) of a marriage.
Over the years I have had the joy of spending many hours meeting with couples planning to be married and many hours working on cases of marriages which failed. Every couple is unique; each has his or her own expectations and needs; hopes and dreams. I have seen many looking forward to spending the rest of their lives with their loved one. I have also witnessed many who have had those hopes and dreams shattered.
While the Catholic Church believes and teaches the indissolubility of marriage, it is very true that many marriages fail. In today’s American society, just as many Catholic marriages fail as do marriages of those in the general public. The Tribunal, although a judicial system based upon laws and regulations which must be followed, is the compassionate arm of the Church: reaching out to those who, for as many reasons as there are people, have experienced the heartbreak of divorce and want to reenter into the fullness of the Church through their participation in the Eucharist.
What makes one marriage last and another fail? There is no simple answer. There are, however, several factors which, I believe, could contribute to helping a couple truly live their vocation in marriage:
1. Communication. It is true that probably 95% of marital problems are communication problems. Couples need to be able to share with one another their hopes and dreams; their fears and concerns; their likes and dislikes; their frustrations and pitfalls in a spirit of openness and acceptance. This may sound elementary, but a spouse should not presume that the other is their soul mate. This does not just “happen.” It takes work; it takes effort; it takes dedication. Don’t be afraid to share with one another how you are feeling about something.
2. Making time for each other. In our very busy, constant-motion society, we all need to take time to rejuvenate. It is especially true for couples. Make the time to be with each other in the presence of each other. Meals, “down time,” recreation (read that also as re-creation) are just as important as going to work or sitting down discussing budgets, trips and professional improvement.
3. Expressing your love for each other. While this, too, may seem elementary, over the years we tend to take it for granted. “She knows I love her” or “I know he knows how I feel” may have been true at the beginning of your marriage but may not be so true as life goes on. The old phrase “little things mean a lot” is truer than we’d like to admit. It’s the little things – doing something special, buying something the other enjoys, sharing a favorite meal – that add up. Just like it’s the little things – like not picking up one’s clothes, taking too long in the bathroom, never helping with cleaning – that also add up...to a possible disaster.
Three phrases which never grow old but we seem to forget as the years go on are “Thank you,” “I’m sorry” and “I love you”. We all not only need to hear these phrases, but we also all need to verbalize them, to express them from our hearts, to show the other how much they mean to us. When we feel needed, we make an extra effort to do our best.
4. Praying with each other. Granted, prayer is spending time with God. But it’s not only our individual time with God. Rather, it’s also special time with God with the person we love. At your wedding, you began with prayer – community prayer – gathering in a Church to be with your family and friends who prayed for you and with you. Spending time with your spouse in prayer each day is just as important: nurturing the God-given gift of His love for yourself and your spouse, asking for God’s wisdom and guidance, asking His blessing upon both of you as you begin and end your day strengthens your marriage covenant – the on-going, life-giving, love-enhancing relationship you have with each other – and helps both of you to continue to live the sacrament you so willingly and lovingly entered at your wedding.
Rev. Msgr. Girard M. Sherba, J.C.D., Ph. D., is Rector of Sacred Heart Cathedral and Vicar Judicial for the Diocese of Raleigh.