Since you asked...

This month with Dr. Marion Danforth

My good friend just lost her husband of 25 years. What do you say when a friend is grieving a significant loss?

Every loss is unique, but here are some important things to think about as you try to comfort a person who is grieving.

Pause and Reflect. What are your own experiences of loss? What are your feelings and how would you describe that experience? What worked for you in handling your own loss and what did not work? Knowing your own thoughts, feelings, and concerns when approaching your friend will enable you to respond with empathy and compassion. However, do not place a set of expectations on how your friend should grieve based on your own needs or experiences.

Love and Listen. When making a call or a visit, be willing to just be present. Saying "I am sorry" is often enough. As helpless as you may feel, you cannot fix someone's grief. "I am thinking of you." "I cannot imagine how tough this must be." "I really do not know what to say, but I do care." When sending a card, share an expression of this empathy and when possible share a memory.

Avoid the cliches of grief. In the need to find something to say, it is easy to revert to the familiar. "I know how you feel." Every loss experience is unique to person, time, type of loss and relationship. Offering comparisons does not extend comfort to the bereaved. "Find the silver lining." "Count your blessings." "It's God's will." In the midst of the crisis of loss minimizing the tragedy is not a consolation. "You really should ...; you need to...; you must..." Avoid giving advice; the one who is grieving can best determine his or her needs. However, presenting the bereaved with alternatives to consider can be useful. Sharing one's own experiences with the intent of solidarity and shared wisdom can likewise be a source of grace and strength.

Provide a sacred space in which your friend can talk, cry, be silent and yes, laugh. Grief is a narrative process; the bereaved will need those who have a gift of listening. When the sharing turns into silence, learn just to be present. Tears are an expression of sorrow and sadness, as well as a witness to love. Become comfortable with the tears of the bereaved, as well as your own tears. Tears often turn into relief and laughter. Be willing to take a roller coaster ride, because grief is a cycle of ups and downs from minute to minute, hour to hour, or day to day.

Be Realistic. Be Flexible. In the need to reach out to someone who is hurting, offer support that flows from your own gifts and availability. Rather than the open invitation to "call me if you need to," make a call with a specific invitation to stop for a visit, an invitation for a meal at your home or lunch out. If your gift is not hospitality, make a specific offer that fits the reality of the situation, such as shopping or carpooling. Always be flexible and repeat invitations that are turned down. Respect the wisdom of the bereaved to know what is right and realistic at a given time.

Share Memories. While memories at first may indeed bring tears, the memories are recognition that the deceased is cherished. Memories become a means of healing and over time replace the loss of a physical presence with the gifts this loved one has shared in life. Use the name of the deceased in your conversations. "I remember where Mary stood each Sunday in the choir." "I recall the times Sam organized the baseball games for the parish picnic; his enthusiasm touched us all."

Pray. In the midst of pain the bereaved often loses words to express or understand the experience. This may feel like a loss of faith. A reminder that you carry your friends in your own thoughts and prayers is a source of strength and hope. The loss initiates a long journey. Extend your thoughts and prayers through the seasons and cycles of time. "I'm thinking of you while the world celebrates this holiday, and praying you find the grace and healing moments you need."

Be Patient. After the immediacy of the crisis, others' lives move forward while the life of the bereaved has been torn and left totally out of balance. It is a long process from numbness through anguish to restructuring one's life. There is no given timetable of expectations and comparisons. Though a rebalancing of life, a reinvestment of energy and new life directions will emerge in the process, the bereaved will companion sorrow for a lifetime. A friend is willing to walk along day by day.

Marion Danforth, M.P.S., Ed.D, is a pastoral bereavement counselor and Chair of the Theology Department at Cardinal Gibbons High School in Raleigh.